This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.
The conversation went something like this...
" Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ..... total silence)
Though I. Fly Through the Valley of Death . I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan). -------------------------------------------------------------------
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot) -----------------------------------------------------------------
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor) ------------------------------------------------------------
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe -------------------------------------------------------------
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. ---------------------------------------------------------------
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. -----------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies. --------------------------------------------------------
Never trade luck for skill. --------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!" ------------------------------------------------------------
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. -------------------------------------------------------
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. -----------------------------------------------------------
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. -------------------------------------------------------
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. ----------------------------------------------------------
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! ------------------------------------------------------------
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries --------------------------------------------------------
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. -----------------------------------------------------------
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. -------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible. -------------------------------------------------------
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) ---------------------------------------------------------
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) ----------------------------------------------------------
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) ----------------------------------------------------------
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator) ---------------------------------------------------------
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. -----------------------------------------------------------
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970). ------------------------------------------------------------
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there) --------------------------------------------------------------
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. -------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
1) In the 1933 Bendix Trophy Race, Russell Boardman flew the Gee Bee R-1 (race #11) and Russell Thaw flew the Gee Bee R-2 (race #7). Thaw had to land the R-2 here in Indianapolis at the old Weir-Cook airport for fuel. As he was taxing to the hangers, one of shock struts collapsed and caused him to catch a wing tip causing minor damage. Boardman arrived shortly there after in the R-1 for his scheduled stop. Disgusted with Thaw, he climbed into the R-1 as soon as it was fueled and headed out. For an unknown reason he pulled the aircraft off the ground to early and it rolled over on its back and crashed on take-off. Boardman died the next day and so ended the Gee Bee's quest to win the Bendix right here in Indianapolis at Weir-Cook Airport.
2) The ever elusive and impressive true torque roll was pioneered by Don Pittman in the early 1960's. Charlie Hillard seen his former team mate Bob Schnuerle first perform it. Charlie then made it famous by being the first pilot to perform it in competition. He did this at the 1972 World Aerobatic Championships. This so amazed the judges that Charlie scored high enough to retain his lead and win the 1972 World Aerobatic Championship. It has been highly regarded in every aerobatic championship since then.
3) During WWII, it was common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This turned out to be a bad mistake. The tracers had different ballistics, so at long range if your tracers were hitting the target, 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet, the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire, and from what direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you you were out of ammo. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
4) On Aug. 21, 1989 over a closed course, a F8F Bearcat "Rare Bear" piloted by Lyle Shelton set a propeller driven aircraft world speed record of 528.33 MPH.
4)The Lockheed P-38 Lightning waas produced starting in 1942. It was powered by two 1,500 hp Allsion V-1710 engines. It was rated at 415 mph at 29,600 feet and there were 10,036 total produced. Guess how many are left flying?
5)Blacksheep Trivia - How many of these “cutting edge of modeling technologies” significant dates do you know?
*) What year were cyanoacrylate glues introduced? Sep 1973
*) What year did servo operated retractable landing gear become a reality? 1962
*) What year were nicad batteries introduced to modeling? 1959
*) What year was Monocote introduced? April, 1966
*) What year was the first commercially available fully proportional rc system introduced? 1961
6 On May 25, 1927, Jimmy Doolittle took off from McCook Field in Dayton, OH in a Curtiss P1-B. He climbed to 10,000 ft where he dived vertically, reaching the Curtiss's Vne of 350 mph, he then pushed and kept on pushing until he saw the horizon ahead, he had completed a complete outside (negative) loop.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" *****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******************************* As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan National Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children, or other adults acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt."
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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On a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.
News Bulletin: Special Forces from Lubbock, Texas
A team of elite Special Forces based at a secret location somewhere near Lubbock, Texas, has been mobilized for duty in Afghanistan. Their specialty is in the area of subterranean warfare (caves, etc.).
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that over 100,000 of these elite fighters would be mobilized immediately to search out and destroy Taliban and al-Qaida forces hiding in caves and in the mountains. "We didn't think we were going to have to use these elite forces," said Rumsfeld, "but it's time to end this thing...these fighters are specially trained for subterranean attack and can even be used to locate and dismantle land mines."
Attached is a highly classified photo of a member of the "Panhandle Patriots" taken during a recent training exercise.
Ever wonder where engineering specifications come from? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches, an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the English built the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that is the gauge they used.
Why did they use that particular gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used the same wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts in the granite sets.
So, who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for(or by) Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and Bureaucracies live forever. The Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
Now let's cut to the present... The Space Shuttle, sitting on its launch pad, has two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. A company builds SRBs at its factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs wanted to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory has to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel, which is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So.... a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined two thousand years ago by a horse's ass. Which is pretty much how most government decisions are made.
West Virginia hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man, he was issued a comb.
... The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army issued him a tooth brush.
... On the fourth day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was issued an athletic supporter
...that afternoon Herman went AWOL
One fine, hot summer afternoon a Cessna 150 was flying the pattern at a quiet country airfield. The CFI was getting quite bothered with the student's inability to hold pattern altitude in the thermals and was getting impatient, at times having to take over the controls. Just then he saw a twin Cessna 5,000 feet above him and thought, "Another 1,000 hours of this and I qualify for that twin charter job! Ahhh...... to be a real pilot...going somewhere!"
The Cessna 402 was already late and the boss told him this charter was for one of the company's premier clients. He'd already set MCT and the cylinders didn't like it in the heat of this summer day. He was at 6,000 feet and the winds were now a 20-knot headwind. Today was the 6th day straight flying and he was pretty damned tired. Maybe if he got to 10,000 feet, the wind might die off....geeezzzz, those cylinder temps! He looked out the window momentarily and saw a 737 leaving a contrail at 33,000 feet in the serene blue sky. "Oh man," he thought, "My interview is next month. I hope I don't blow it! Outta G/A, nice jet job, above the weather..no snotty passengers to wait for....ahhhhhhhhhhh".
The Boeing 737 bucked and weaved in the CAT at FL330 and ATC advised the captain that lower levels were not available due to traffic. The Captain, who was only recently advised that his destination was below RVR minimums, had slowed to LRC to try and hold off a possible inflight diversion, and arrange an ETA that would hopefully ensure the fog had lifted to CAT II mins. The Company negotiations broke down yesterday and it looked as if everyone was going to take a damn pay cut. The F/O's will be particularly hard hit as their pay wasn't anything to speak of anyway. Finally deciding on a speed compromise between LRC and turbulence penetration, the Captain looked up and saw the Concorde at Mach 2. Tapping his F/O's shoulder as the 737 took another bashing, he said, "Now THAT's what we should be on..huge pay packet........super fast..not too many routes....not too many sectors...above the CAT. Yep! What a life!"
FL590 was not what he wanted anyway and considered FL570. Already the TAT was creeping up again and either they would have to descend or slow down. That damn rear fuel transfer pump was becoming unreliable and the F/E had said moments ago that the radiation meter was not reading numbers that he'd like to see. The Concorde descended to FL570 but the radiation was still quite high even though the NOTAM indicated hunky-dorey below FL610. Fuel flow was up and the transfer pump was intermittent. Evening turned into night as they passed over the Atlantic. Looking up, the F/O could see a tiny white dot moving against the backdrop of a myriad of stars. "Hey Captain",he called as he pointed. "Must be the Shuttle". The Captain looked for a moment and agreed. Quietly, he thought how a Shuttle mission, whilst complicated, must be the "be all and end all" in aviation. Above the crap, no radiation problems, no damn fuel transfer problems...ahhhhhhhh. Must be a great way to earn a quid.
Discovery was into its 27th orbit and perigee was 200 feet out from nominated rendezvous altitude with the COMSAT. The robot arm was virtually OTS and a walk may become necessary. The 200 feet predicted error would necessitate a corrective burn and Discovery needed that fuel if a walk was to be required. Houston continually asked what the Commander wanted to do, but the advise they offered wasn't much help. The Commander had already been 12 hours on station sorting out the problem and just wanted ten damn minutes to himself to take a leak. Just then, a mission specialist, who had tilted the telescope down to the surface for a minute or two, called the Commander to the scope. "Have a look at this, sir, isn't this the kind of flying you said you wanted to do after you finish up with NASA?" The Commander peered through the telescope and cried "Ohhhhhhhhh yeah! Now THAT'S flying! Man, that's what it's all about. Geeezz, I'd give my left nut just to be doing THAT down there!" What the Discovery Commander was looking at was the Cessna 150 flying the pattern at a quiet country airfield on a nice bright sunny afternoon.
. . . are problem listings about the air plane that pilots generally leave for the maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the maintenance crew's response.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
Reply: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Reply: "IT DOES NOW!"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Reply: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Reply: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Reply: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 foot per minute descent."
Reply: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Reply: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Reply: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
And these guys are paid to protect us!!!
